[ The knee jerk reaction to interject is immediate. ]
What do you mean we've talked about this – ?
[ What feels like a cold, nervous sweat breaks at the back of her neck as he continues on. It's the same feeling she'd had when she had woken up naked in her bed after drinking herself silly and saying Goddess knew what to Sylvain that one summer's night. It isn't that she hadn't forgotten the morning after or even some of the parts of the hazy night prior to it. It's more like she hadn't thought to think further into what "talking about them" could have possibly entailed. There had been a number of reasons for it. Sylvain had offered few details, she had been too flustered by her state and the fact that he'd kissed her again after her steady resolve that that wouldn't happen, her own spiraling heartache, and of course, she had written it off as some sort of kindness that he was trying to show her after she had made a fool of herself several times over.
The last thing she had expected was for him to bring it up again. And yet.
Her mind stutters, suddenly unable to form sentences mostly because she has no idea what to say. What did she want with Sylvain? She knew what her body wanted, how it reacted to him, how she caught herself on more than one occasion admiring him from afar. But there was something else too. Faint somethings tugged at her heart that sometimes seemed too wistful and fleeting to make sense of because she stilled them as soon as they began for fear of what they could be. For fear of it feeding the jealous creature that had crawled its way out of her throat. She worries her bottom lip, nerves bubbling in her stomach, more pink brightening her cheeks. Instinct wants her to run in the other direction. She doesn't want to have another conversation about feelings, about what she wants, especially when that still shifts unsteadily from hour to hour.
Except she knows she can't run. The image of his hurt expression is burned into her brain and it's one that she had resolved that she would never be the cause of again. Surely being truthful with him can't be worse than what she had done before. When she finally does speak, it's quiet, sounding like someone who's torn her heart up thinking about this. ]
I don't know what I want either.
[ There's another pause, words tumbling over themselves in her mind. ]
I just know that you mean so much to me. And that I can't bear the thought of not having you in my life which I know is selfish because I'm so jealous thinking about you and Claude together. [ Shame begins to creep across her face and its heat creeps across her chest. ] All I want is for the both of you to be happy because you deserve it more than me, more than anyone else I know, but I feel so sick to my stomach thinking about you both together. I don't know if I can even be with Claude without feeling like this.
And if I think about us together - [ She falters, eyes flitting away but hand clutching his tight. ] if I think about us together I feel guilty. [ Understanding how that sounds she winces, quickly amending herself. ] I feel scared about what could happen if I ruin it. If I ruin us. I almost ruined my relationship with Claude because of how awful I was.
no subject
What do you mean we've talked about this – ?
[ What feels like a cold, nervous sweat breaks at the back of her neck as he continues on. It's the same feeling she'd had when she had woken up naked in her bed after drinking herself silly and saying Goddess knew what to Sylvain that one summer's night. It isn't that she hadn't forgotten the morning after or even some of the parts of the hazy night prior to it. It's more like she hadn't thought to think further into what "talking about them" could have possibly entailed. There had been a number of reasons for it. Sylvain had offered few details, she had been too flustered by her state and the fact that he'd kissed her again after her steady resolve that that wouldn't happen, her own spiraling heartache, and of course, she had written it off as some sort of kindness that he was trying to show her after she had made a fool of herself several times over.
The last thing she had expected was for him to bring it up again. And yet.
Her mind stutters, suddenly unable to form sentences mostly because she has no idea what to say. What did she want with Sylvain? She knew what her body wanted, how it reacted to him, how she caught herself on more than one occasion admiring him from afar. But there was something else too. Faint somethings tugged at her heart that sometimes seemed too wistful and fleeting to make sense of because she stilled them as soon as they began for fear of what they could be. For fear of it feeding the jealous creature that had crawled its way out of her throat. She worries her bottom lip, nerves bubbling in her stomach, more pink brightening her cheeks. Instinct wants her to run in the other direction. She doesn't want to have another conversation about feelings, about what she wants, especially when that still shifts unsteadily from hour to hour.
Except she knows she can't run. The image of his hurt expression is burned into her brain and it's one that she had resolved that she would never be the cause of again. Surely being truthful with him can't be worse than what she had done before. When she finally does speak, it's quiet, sounding like someone who's torn her heart up thinking about this. ]
I don't know what I want either.
[ There's another pause, words tumbling over themselves in her mind. ]
I just know that you mean so much to me. And that I can't bear the thought of not having you in my life which I know is selfish because I'm so jealous thinking about you and Claude together. [ Shame begins to creep across her face and its heat creeps across her chest. ] All I want is for the both of you to be happy because you deserve it more than me, more than anyone else I know, but I feel so sick to my stomach thinking about you both together. I don't know if I can even be with Claude without feeling like this.
And if I think about us together - [ She falters, eyes flitting away but hand clutching his tight. ] if I think about us together I feel guilty. [ Understanding how that sounds she winces, quickly amending herself. ] I feel scared about what could happen if I ruin it. If I ruin us. I almost ruined my relationship with Claude because of how awful I was.