[ His voice turns quiet at that, and for a moment, his gaze goes distant, as he thinks of another conversation he’d had a long time ago, one that fills him with a pang of longing all over again. ]
Besides. What we think we deserve for ourselves would rarely match what others think we deserve for ourselves. For better or for worse, really. From where I stand, I think you and Claude deserve the chance to find your happiness, because it’s something you’ve both been chasing after for as long as I’ve known you. And as for what I think I deserve… I’m going to leave that unspoken because I think it would just make you mad at me again and I’d rather skip that part.
You say Claude and I are so much alike and maybe that’s true in some ways. But you and I are so much more alike in other ways, Hilda. I get it. We’re both afraid of failure, of people’s expectations of us, and not being able to meet them - and the fallout of that, for different reasons. But sometimes it affects our decisions so much that we end up standing there and going ‘well, why even try, then?’.
But the problem with that, sweetheart, is that then we gain nothing. And I think, by default, that means we’ve lost everything anyway.
Don’t assume Claude doesn’t get jealous, because I’m sure he does. He’s still human, Hilda. So am I, and I definitely get jealous. Emotions don’t listen to logic, they don’t follow rules, they just are. You can’t control them. Only what you do about them. Or maybe despite them.
[ He reaches out to brush a lock of hair back from her face, his fingertips lingering against her cheek. ]
I want you, Hilda. I don’t know what that means, or what it encompasses yet, because we haven’t had time to figure that out. It’s different than Claude, but that doesn’t mean it’s less. Just different.
no subject
[ His voice turns quiet at that, and for a moment, his gaze goes distant, as he thinks of another conversation he’d had a long time ago, one that fills him with a pang of longing all over again. ]
Besides. What we think we deserve for ourselves would rarely match what others think we deserve for ourselves. For better or for worse, really. From where I stand, I think you and Claude deserve the chance to find your happiness, because it’s something you’ve both been chasing after for as long as I’ve known you. And as for what I think I deserve… I’m going to leave that unspoken because I think it would just make you mad at me again and I’d rather skip that part.
You say Claude and I are so much alike and maybe that’s true in some ways. But you and I are so much more alike in other ways, Hilda. I get it. We’re both afraid of failure, of people’s expectations of us, and not being able to meet them - and the fallout of that, for different reasons. But sometimes it affects our decisions so much that we end up standing there and going ‘well, why even try, then?’.
But the problem with that, sweetheart, is that then we gain nothing. And I think, by default, that means we’ve lost everything anyway.
Don’t assume Claude doesn’t get jealous, because I’m sure he does. He’s still human, Hilda. So am I, and I definitely get jealous. Emotions don’t listen to logic, they don’t follow rules, they just are. You can’t control them. Only what you do about them. Or maybe despite them.
[ He reaches out to brush a lock of hair back from her face, his fingertips lingering against her cheek. ]
I want you, Hilda. I don’t know what that means, or what it encompasses yet, because we haven’t had time to figure that out. It’s different than Claude, but that doesn’t mean it’s less. Just different.