Inbox: Abraxas

[philancer]

INBOX text / action / horizon Roses are red, violets are blue,
and right now it seems I'm missing you.
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[theidlemaiden]

[ He really shouldn't. When that's the sight she sees upon opening her eyes it only serves to flare her annoyance. ]

Of course you shouldn't have been disappointed –

[ Hilda catches herself, shutting her mouth so hard that her teeth click together. She chews on the inside of her cheek before letting out a heavy breath through her nose. ]

Not being disappointed means that you've thought about it and you shouldn't have. We shouldn't have.

[philancer]

[ His eyebrow stays lifted as he watches the reactions play out across her face. ]

I'm pretty sure I also haven't made a secret over the fact that I've thought about it quite a bit, in fact. Why shouldn't I have? Why shouldn't we have?

[theidlemaiden]

[ His questions almost prompt her to launch right into a jumbled explanation about just exactly why before she abruptly halts. Her brow furrows in confusion for a moment trying to recall a moment when that's been the case. Because as far as she can recall - Feywilds aside - that hasn't been the case.

Like he said, she's spent all this time avoiding him. There were others that could satisfy that and more for him. ]

When?

[philancer]

[ Patiently, he watches the jumbled conflict play out across her face, waiting to see what she will choose. ]

When what?

[theidlemaiden]

What -

[ Her brows furrow, a spark of annoyance cutting through her confusion. It's not so dissimilar to the annoyance he's probably seen on her face before when he does something incredibly stupid. ]

What do you mean, 'when what'?

[ The word is dropped into a lower octave of her voice as she does an impression of him. She 'tsks', some heat to her voice now as she tries to move him out of the way in an attempt to get to the door. ]

Never mind - if you're going to be like this, there's no conversation.

[philancer]

[ She shoves against his chest, but he was expecting that. It's why he doesn't get out of her way. In fact, he moves forward, starting to herd her further away from the door. ]

Have you forgotten our conversation back at the Inn? When you were in my bed, in my arms? The kiss we shared that night? I told you then, that I kissed you because I wanted to. That you mattered.

And after the night of the gala? I know you may be trying to forget that now considering you're still mad at our roommate-that-shall-not-be-named. I'm quite certain it came up again there, if you'd somehow forgotten my interest and appreciation the rest of the night. And trust me, I have thought about that night a lot.

[theidlemaiden]

[ Hilda side shuffles in time with Sylvain, trying in vain to slip by him. Sure, he's tall but he isn't built like as wide of a wall like Raphael or Balthus. Her cheeks puff up when it's clear he isn't going to make this easy for her.

A protest is halfway out her mouth when he starts rattling off instances that she had tried to convince herself were nothing more than flights of fancy in the moment for all parties involved. That's how she and Claude had always been, so why wouldn't it be the same for Sylvain? But perhaps that parallel is the whole reason that she begins to feel a gnawing feeling in the pit of her stomach. Immediately her brain tries to deflect, panic rising with annoyance resulting in a brief, mirthless and curiously nervous laugh. ]

I had a little too much to drink at the gala. And really, that had more to do with you and Claude – [ Because she can't bring herself to entertain the fact that she belonged somewhere in that picture. She didn't. Nor can she bring herself to address the night at the inn. Her next side step has her bumping directly into his chest and she lets out an annoyed sound before trying to side step away again. ] but like I was saying, we shouldn't have. I shouldn't have.

[ Briefly she wonders if she can duck between his legs. ]

I blurred lines where I shouldn't have - and can you stop cornering me like I'm some rabbit?

[philancer]

No.

[ His answer is succinct and sharp.

He might not be as big and broad as Raphael, but he still has plenty of muscle and he knows exactly how to use it. Not that he makes a habit of being intimidating, but he knows how to command attention when he needs to. Something he employs now, even as he reaches out to tip Hilda’s head back so he can catch and hold her gaze, his own expression serious. ]

There were three of us there that night, Hilda. And we were all involved in what happened. And I don’t have any regrets about that either.

[ His thumb strokes along her jaw as he holds her in place with a touch. ] You still haven’t answered my question. Why shouldn’t we have? Stop being a rabbit, Hilda. It doesn’t suit you.

[theidlemaiden]

I wouldn't be one if you weren't making me feel like one.

[ The snippy response comes unbidden, but his sharp refusal has its desired effect. The moment his thumb runs along her jaw, it freezes her in place much to her annoyance.

Several moments pass where she doesn't answer. Can't answer, because the words stick in her throat with uncertainty and nerves. Finally an answer makes its way past her lips albeit halting. ]

Because, you're both - you know. Together.

[ But she doesn't want to talk about Claude or anything remotely related to him. Unfortunately she knows that the answers Sylvain wants does involve him tangentially. ]

Why do you think I'm avoiding the loft?

[philancer]

[ Sylvain just gives her a slow blink, as if he needs to process that. A faint flicker of amusement flits through his gaze. ]

Is that what you’ve been thinking all this time? Hilda, I’m not sure what assumptions you’ve been making, but we’re not “together”. I mean, sometimes we’re together, but not in any way that should mean you have to avoid us. Hell, I also thought it had been pretty clear that night that we were both interested in you very much not avoiding us.

[theidlemaiden]

[ All the time that she had spent with Sylvain up until she started her slow drift from the men aside, being this close means that it's impossible for her to not recognize the amused glimmer in his eyes. Which is interesting in and of itself because that's definitely not what she had seen in her idle observation of the pair of them. ]

Don't look at me like that.

[ She pushes his face away but not before there's a split second where her brow furrows, examining his face intently. Something is different. And then she sees it, a glint of familiar gold and green on his ear that gives her some pause. That's definitely a new addition to his usual wardrobe. The colour choice can't be a coincidence but there's too much for her brain to comprehend at the moment. As her eyes tear away from the earring, the expression on her face clearly implies that she doesn't believe him. ]

People change their minds.

[ It's said with a hint of bitterness before tugging her chin away from his grasp. ]

And it doesn't matter anyway. I told you I can't keep blurring lines because that's what got me into this situation in the first place. [ It's a startling amount of insight that surprises even her considering her stance on kisses just being a kisses unless you made something out of them. And unfortunately, she had inadvertently made something out of them. ] So thank you for confirming my own suspicions. And now that I know, what happened between us in the Feywilds shouldn't happen again. There, talk all done.

[philancer]

[ He lets her push his face away, but something in her words snaps his gaze right back to hers. His gaze narrows slightly as his brow furrows and pieces that had made no sense for weeks start sliding into place. ]

Is that what happened with you and Claude? You blurred the lines?

[ Their talk is definitely not done. ]

[theidlemaiden]

It isn't the only reason. [ And then quickly she corrects herself – ] Actually, it isn't even the reason but probably didn't help things.

[ In spite of her admission it's hard for her not to feel defensive. Old habits from years of skirting around it made it difficult to not to react that way. She and Claude sleeping together isn't so secretive or taboo to admit now that their Academy days were behind them. Some of the Deer knew, or at least suspected, but they had always remained transparently coy and never outwardly confirmed anything. Hilda had never thought it was a problem or would be one until now.

Hilda wants to leave it at that but she knows that Sylvain won't let her. And after everything they had put him through he at least deserves to know the reason behind their fight. Her gaze purposely stays trained at a place on the floor, trying to keep a level tone and remove as much of the hurt that still festered under her skin. ]

I found something in his domain. Letters about after the war. And there were things in there that I had suspicions about but thought he'd tell me about eventually because we were supposed to be best friends and we told each other everything.

[ There's more of course. Hurtful things like how she had told him that their friends didn't want to be by his side during the war. That he had somehow played a hand in forcing them to be there instead of being there on their own volition. How his words implied that he thought that she was every bit the vapid, dumb flower she made herself out to be. Except she can't bring herself to say as much. ]

[philancer]

[ She might try to mask it, but he can still hear the hurt layered in her tone. Can feel it, aching and painful at the edge of his awareness.

He studies her for a moment before giving a quiet sigh and scooping her up in his arms and carrying her back over to his bed where he can sit and deposit her on his lap. Both of them need to start talking about this or its never going to get resolved. And as she’s the one at hand at the moment, he’ll start here. ]

So you fought, because the most notorious secret-keeper we know - save maybe Yuri - kept more secrets from you. [ He tugs a lock of her hair as he searches her face. ] Hilda, is there a chance he might have been keeping those secrets because you’re his best friend? Maybe he was trying to protect you. You and I… we haven’t been through the full war like he has. We don’t know what he’s seen, what he’s experienced.

And how do you know he wouldn’t have told you eventually? I’m pretty sure if there was anyone he would open up to about his secrets, it would be you. Maybe the right time hadn’t come up yet. Or maybe… maybe he was just afraid.

[ He’s pretty sure Claude wouldn’t appreciate that particular comment, but in some ways, Sylvain understands his methods and logic about some things all too well. And he can’t rule that out. ]

[theidlemaiden]

[ When her feet begin to leave the ground, Hilda's first instinct is to flinch away. She had done such an awful job of committing to the things she had said she was going to do and it annoys her that her resolve is so weak. Being touched by Sylvain, nevermind held by him, feels counterproductive to that. But the brief hold is enough to nudge some of the tension she's been holding in her body since she had arrived back in the loft that day.

It does not however dispel the hurt and she can't bring herself to relax into Sylvain's lap. In fact, once he's seated she slips off onto the bed leaving space between them and refuses to meet his eyes even when he tugs at her hair. Reaching for empathy when she had been angry as she had at Claude also felt like conceding. The angry creature that had clawed its way up her throat hadn't cared what feelings were hurt in the process of its rampage. ]

I find it hard to believe that after seven months of being here he never found a good time to tell me. [ Briefly, anger flares in her voice. She'd never had a monopoly on his time, but they'd had moments alone together. They could have spoken about it then. ] And so what if we're not through the war yet? Isn't that what friends are there for? To share that burden? And don't we deserve to know?

[ The knowledge that both she and Sylvain had died in another timeline, that she could very well still meet the same fate should she return to Fodlan tomorrow hangs heavy in the air. Just because some version of her was still alive in Claude's timeline didn't mean that she would remain alive if she returned tomorrow. Talking about it only serves to dredge up remnants of the emotions that had never really left like hurt. Like jealousy. ]

Something was different between us. You know he didn't even contact me when you two were first taken? He contacted Petra first. Which is fine - she's capable and strong and could have found you two if it was just being lost in the desert but he didn't even contact me until later. And if it was him not wanting him to be my friend, he should have told me too. [ Her voice catches but she pushes on. ] I would have just lived somewhere else sooner.

[philancer]

[ He lets her spill out the words, because he suspects she needs to. he wonders if she’s vented this at all, since the day she and Claude had first fought. Bottling it up was doing neither of them any good.

But when she winds her way though all that hurt and comes up with, what he suspects, is completely the wrong answer, he just gives a heavy sigh and shakes his head. Reaching out, he grasps her chin between his fingers and turns her face towards him, not letting her tug away again. ]

Goddess only knows how you two got through your school years together, if you’re both always this stubbornly obtuse. There are a lot of things friends are for, and there are many ways we express that friendship. Loyalty, protectiveness, partnership.

If I thought the only thing he felt for you was friendship, then yes, I’d agree with you completely. However, when deeper feelings get involved, it tends to muddle things. And the more you care about a person, the more strongly you feel for them, the harder it is to wade your way through all that to what should be, to others, an obvious conclusion.

Which is why I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt for not seeing it either, I suppose. But you two are both standing on either side of the same line, staring at each other and thinking you can’t have everything you want. Thinking that taking that last step that crosses it might end everything between you, when in fact, it would probably just destroy the line that neither of you want to keep there in the first place.

[theidlemaiden]

Obtuse - ?! 

[ The word flares her annoyance, rubbing against the still raw wound Claude had made by calling her that. Her protest is cut short however as her chin is grasped and she's forced to look at Sylvain. It's apparent that what he's said has struck some kind of nerve even if that hasn't been his intention.

She had run through her argument with Claude so many times in her head like some sort of sick obsession, as if justifying why she was right would somehow soothe her hurt. What use was there talking about why they hadn't ever fought like this at the Academy? The only conclusion she could have come to was that he simply didn't have a need to be her friend anymore because this isn't Fodlan. Whatever weight she carried, if any, being Goneril's only daughter is null and void. What else did she have to offer him that couldn't be fulfilled by the man in front of her or the woman who had left? Talking about it wasn't making her feel better even if it was giving Sylvain the context he deserved for why they had been acting the way they had been towards one another.

Had she not been so deeply upset by it, everything he was saying might have sounded reasonable. Or mostly reasonable. The last thing she wants is to reasonably discuss Claude and their relationship especially when they had barely discussed what she and Sylvain had done. She can't help but wryly look at him before forcing his hand away. ] 

It sounds like you're speaking from experience. But even if there were any line to begin with, we kept blurring it to the point where it's definitely gone now. He can barely stand to look at me, and I don't want to talk about it anymore.

[ She draws in a breath looking at a point somewhere near the ceiling trying keep her expression arranged in something that didn't resemble hurt. ]

I'm tired of being angry and sad all the time - it's not doing great things for my skin. [ Her attempt at levity falls flat and there's another beat before she alludes to why she hadn't been pleased when she had discovered it had been Sylvain behind the fox mask. ] I don't want the only other person from home to [ 'Abandon me' is on the tip of her tongue but even that seems dramatic for her tastes. ] think less of me. 

[philancer]

[ His response to that statement is swift and succinct. He shifts, toppling her onto her back on his bed so he can crouch over her, his hands braced to either side of her head as he cages her in. Giving her no avenues left to evade him.

He hovers close overhead, close enough that he can feel her breath on his face as he holds her gaze. ] That is not something you have to worry about, sweetness. My opinion is not so easily swayed. I know who you are, Hilda. I happen to like who you are a great deal, exactly as you are. And so does you-know-who, when he's not being an asshole and blinded by his own hurt feelings.

[ His hand slides inward, brushing his thumb against her lips as his hand cradles against her jaw, the touch tender. He'd felt the way her hurt had flared and knew he'd tripped over something he hadn't intended with his words. He only hoped it hadn't closed her off to what he had to say entirely. ] I'm not going anywhere, Hilda. You can't get rid of me that easily. And I'm not going to lie about the fact that I enjoyed our night in the maze together very much. I hoped it was you. I wanted it to be you.

[theidlemaiden]

[ Her world view flips and for a minute she feels breathless as his face fills her field of vision. Hilda hadn't looked closely at him since the night of the masquerade and before that the night on the roof when she had found him trying to breathe; maybe she had been worried that what she'd see there were disgust at the person she had been towards Claude. He's dangerously close to her and she feels her cheeks flare up at the proximity.

It's not often she finds herself at a loss for words. There's always a quick quip on her lips, something to diffuse a situation or try and bring some levity but she can't find any words to fill the silence that follows what he says. Internally she grapples with his kind words and the earnest desire that they held. She wants to tell him that she enjoyed it too. Had hoped and wanted it to be him - but the words are caught in the teeth. Want is a desire she's familiar with; there had been no shortage of want that hadn't gone unanswered growing up whether it came to objects or whims. But it had become increasingly difficult when it came to her affections. Some part of her still grappled with wanting to be with and having deep care and feelings for more than one person, but more than that, she feared that the redhead would eventually change his mind too when he figured out she was as obtuse and unremarkable as Claude had implied.

Her eyes have to slide shut for a brief moment but her hands rise, slowly tracing the curves of his face. Even with her eyes closed she knew them well. She had been stupid not to admit that much to herself in the maze. Longing courses through her but she bottles it back down. When she speaks again its quiet, laced with that same hurt and longing coursing through her body. ]

But you shouldn't. I'm not anything like Claude.

[philancer]

[ He lets her touch, turns his face into it. Lips press kisses to each of her fingertips as he watches the emotions play out across her face. Pays attention to what she feels. He hates that there’s still so much hurt layered there, but he doesn’t miss the longing, either. ]

And why should you be? Whoever said you needed to be anyone other than yourself?

[theidlemaiden]

[ Her eyes remain resolutely closed, still worried that she'll cry if she does. There's nothing wrong with being herself, she thinks absently as his kisses send small sparks through her fingers and up her arms. She likes herself for the most part. Sure, she wishes that she didn't drool in her sleep, wanted her toes to have slightly bigger nail beds so she could use more nail polish, that she had less battle scars, that her whims weren't so flighty all the time and that she had stronger convictions instead of being so scared - but she generally liked herself. 

But just because she liked herself, didn't mean that comparisons didn't happen. People were going to be different from one another - that's why they were so wonderful. But in that same astute observation, she still didn't think she measured up to someone born to shatter expectations. When she looked at them side by side it made sense. ] 

Because if anyone is interested in Claude why would they be interested in me? 

[ She doesn't intend to fish for compliments; it's a rhetoric question that she's already answered in her mind. She's great for a good time, but anything serious, anything more, would never make sense aside from the politics of it all. ]

[philancer]

[ The question has him pausing to stare down at her, because there’s something raw in her voice. And it’s a vulnerability he recognizes all too well.

He gives a soft huff of laughter, but the sound is more sad than humorous. Leaning forward, he rests his forehead against hers. ]

Sometimes I think you and I are far more alike than either of us are probably comfortable with. So let me turn it around on you, Hilda. If you’ve been so interested in Claude, how could you possibly want me?

[theidlemaiden]

What is that supposed to mean?

[ His question prompts her to splutter a mirthless laugh, shoving her hand lightly against his face in protest as she finally opens her eyes.

It's partly a stalling tactic as she searches his face. Confusion settles lightly atop her other myriad of feelings. Did he think that way about himself when it came to Claude too?

Knee jerk denials are on her lips, ready to fire off: she isn't interested in Claude. She doesn't want Sylvain like that, Both stem from the fear that admitting as much could break open the lock she had firmly placed on any possibility of something more with either of them. And it's for that reason that she offers up a weak answer one that is neither admission or denial of anything feelings. ]

Because that's different.

[philancer]

[ He just arches an eyebrow when she tries to shove his face away. But he's not about to budge. Not now. ]

It's not. I'm nothing like Claude, either. So either your excuse works or it doesn't. Tell me, Hilda. Be honest with me. Look me right in the eye. Tell me you're not interested. That you don't want me. Wouldn't.

[theidlemaiden]

[ You are, she thinks with a clarity and certainty of someone who knows – knew – Claude that well. She could write lists of how they're both wonderful, have overlapping qualities and qualities that would compliment the other. But what he said moments ago echoes in her mind: they more alike than either of them would be comfortable with. Would he even be receptive? Would he see himself the way she and Claude see him? The words don't make it past her lips.

Panic bubbles in her chest, flooding to the edges of her body as she's pressed for an answer that she doesn't want to give. Or maybe the better way to put it is that she's too afraid to give. Uncertainty creeps in, a fear of being seen for what she is and what she isn't, of expectations and impressions that he's made that aren't entirely true. She speaks without recklessly said without half of the conviction that she had used earlier when she had told him she thought he and Claude were alike. ] 

I - [ Her voice catches in her throat, eyes only resting on his for the briefest of moments before looking away. ] don't want you like that.

[ Because I'm scared of what will happen if I say I am. Because if I do admit it, are you just going to turn me down? ]