Inbox: Abraxas

[philancer]

INBOX text / action / horizon Roses are red, violets are blue,
and right now it seems I'm missing you.
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[philancer]

[ His gaze narrows as she tries to laugh that off and his thumb and forefinger tighten against her chin for a moment as he narrows his gaze at her. ]

Don’t do that.

[ It’s not sharp, the chiding, but there is an edge to it, layered beneath the uncommonly serious tone he utters it in. ]

I can count on one hand the times I can recall you being exasperating enough that I would consider you taking advantage and almost all of them happened when we were back in school when you were busy foisting off your assigned chores on the closest available target. That was a long time ago, Hilda.

You are not a burden and I’m not even sure why you would think you are. In what ways do you think you’ve taken advantage of me here?

[theidlemaiden]

[ Inwardly she flinches. Sharp or not she still feels the edge to his voice, subconsciously hearing it after days spent together. There's some level of shame that rises in there too at the mention of her old habits - probably moreso than the time that Sylvain had specifically called her out. Her younger self had been more shameless, and far less concerned about what the Gautier hier playboy thought of her lazy tendencies.

Now however...

His question makes her shift uncomfortably as it edges closer and closer to a topic that she'd prefer to avoid airing out with him. Claude had been one thing and difficult enough to admit. Sylvain is completely uncharted territory and part of the reason she had her reservations about her and Claude. ]

You've been taking care of me since I got here. And been forgiving when you shouldn't have. You left me all of those sweet notes and made me those treats and took care of me when I was recovering. You cook for me when you really don't have to - if there's anyone you should be cooking for it should be Claude.

[ She winces, her next words coming out halting. ]

And we've kissed and in the Feywilds you - we - you should be focusing your energy on Claude.

[philancer]

[ He’s watching her with growing skepticism until she voices that last part and then understanding flares in amber eyes as he huffs out a breath that is half-exasperated-laugh and half-sigh. ]

That’s what this is about, then. Don’t worry, I’m still cooking for Claude, that’s not going to keep me from cooking for you, too, you realize. Or, here’s an idea, both of you. Since, last time I checked, you both need to eat and seemed to enjoy my cooking and it’s really no extra effort to feed two of you rather than just the one.

[ There’s a metaphor in there, but he’s not going to bother explaining it. He doubts she’d hear him anyway. ]

And trust me, I still recall our kiss - and everything else that happened - in the Feywilds quite vividly. And I still have zero regrets about any of it. I also seem to recall, before everything went to shit, the three of us sharing a hotel room quite comfortably and not just that, sharing a bed and - perhaps more importantly - sharing each other.

Is that option suddenly no longer on the table here? Because if not, I’d prefer you be up front with me about it now. Because if you don’t? I’m very much going to kiss you again. Probably many times. Maybe even corner you somewhere and have an encore of our little treat in the Feywilds. Because, sweetheart, I’m far from sated yet, you only gave me a taste.

[ Everything about that statement is no-nonsense and absolutely honest as he gazes at her intently, his eyes locked on her face, waiting for her reaction to that.

It’s definitely a far step from his typical charms and flirtations. But he’s just spent weeks watching her and Claude bleed each other dry because they couldn’t just say what they wanted. And while Claude… is his own complication right now, he’s pretty sure he has a better idea of where Hilda might stand.

…Or stood, maybe, before whatever this is with Claude started resolving itself. Now he’s back on unstable ground again. With both of them. Trying to figure out what his place is here.

Or if he even still has one. ]

[theidlemaiden]

[ The metaphor does go over her head overridden by the multitude of other things being thrown at her at once. She'd be annoyed at his initial reaction and assumption that he knew what had been plaguing her this entire time if it weren't for the fact that she had just thrown just as much information at him seconds before. Annoyance blooms anyway - except most of it is directed at herself.

In an ideal world he would have simply agreed that she had been taking advantage of him all this time. He would have said nothing about wanting to be with her physically because he only cared to be with someone like Claude or Jesper like that. It would have been the path of least resistance, an absolution of sorts and would have made her still waffling decision about her and Claude easier in some ways. But Sylvain had done none of those things. Heat builds in her cheeks as each admission falls from his lips. There's no teasing, no flirtatious gaze. None of the usual signs telling her that this is a joke. No, this is the truth of how he feels. Of what he wants from her. As a look of uncertainty and shock settles on her face her mouth parts. ]

But –

[ A single syllable manages to stutter past her teeth. She shouldn't have ventured down this path in the first place. Why hadn't she just left it at that and claimed she was tired or hungry? Just because Sylvain is fine with wanting her like that and Claude was too to some degree didn't mean that she was. And hadn't that been part and parcel as part of the problem? Isn't that what she had been worried about and told Sylvain as much at least when it came to them?

His words replay back before it goes further still to the conversation when she had discovered he had been Lief. All of it compounded together sinks her heart a little lower than it had been before for a reason she can't understand. Despite the pink patches blooming on her cheeks, the shocked expression turns into something a little more resigned.] 

Is that all you want? Just to be with me physically? 

[philancer]

[ His serious expression remains, but there’s a hint of uncertainty that creeps into his gaze as he waits for her to respond - and then huffs out another of those breathy laughs when she just answers him with another question instead. ]

You realize this isn’t the first time we’ve had this conversation, right? Although I’m pretty sure you were too drunk last time to remember any of it. You asked me that last time, too.

Physically is part of it, sure. I’m pretty sure I’ve made no secret about the fact that I want you. More of you. Or even just again. I don’t want you to think that was just idle flirting.

But further than that… I don’t know, Hilda. You tell me? I don’t know where you stand right now. What’s more important to you? Not blurring more lines and complicating things between us? Or seeing where this goes? Because this is uncharted territory for me here. I’m flying blind.

People don’t come to me for more that just physically, or if they do, it’s because they’ve got ulterior motives. And if anyone else had asked me that, my answer would be my typical one, and emphatic to boot. But you’re not like anyone else, and none of my rules ever apply to you like maybe they should.

You’re working things out with Claude, and I’m content with that, if that’s all you want it to be. I have no intention of interfering there at all, other than being a listening ear if either of you need it, or maybe kicking you both in the ass if you ever do something this stupid ever again. Only an idiot wouldn’t be able to see how in love you two are with each other. And have been for years. [ Yeah. Shade. He’s throwing it. ]

But as for you and me, Hilda? I don’t know. I don’t know where I stand. What you want. But you’re sober this time, so tell me. What do you want? If it’s just a fun fling, then fine, we’ll be up front and honest about it from the start and that’s all it will be. But if you want something different, you’re gonna have to be honest about that, too. Because I… I don’t really know how to do that.

[theidlemaiden]

[ The knee jerk reaction to interject is immediate. ]

What do you mean we've talked about this – ? 

[ What feels like a cold, nervous sweat breaks at the back of her neck as he continues on. It's the same feeling she'd had when she had woken up naked in her bed after drinking herself silly and saying Goddess knew what to Sylvain that one summer's night. It isn't that she hadn't forgotten the morning after or even some of the parts of the hazy night prior to it. It's more like she hadn't thought to think further into what "talking about them" could have possibly entailed. There had been a number of reasons for it. Sylvain had offered few details, she had been too flustered by her state and the fact that he'd kissed her again after her steady resolve that that wouldn't happen, her own spiraling heartache, and of course, she had written it off as some sort of kindness that he was trying to show her after she had made a fool of herself several times over. 

The last thing she had expected was for him to bring it up again. And yet. 

Her mind stutters, suddenly unable to form sentences mostly because she has no idea what to say. What did she want with Sylvain? She knew what her body wanted, how it reacted to him, how she caught herself on more than one occasion admiring him from afar. But there was something else too. Faint somethings tugged at her heart that sometimes seemed too wistful and fleeting to make sense of because she stilled them as soon as they began for fear of what they could be. For fear of it feeding the jealous creature that had crawled its way out of her throat. She worries her bottom lip, nerves bubbling in her stomach, more pink brightening her cheeks. Instinct wants her to run in the other direction. She doesn't want to have another conversation about feelings, about what she wants, especially when that still shifts unsteadily from hour to hour.
 
Except she knows she can't run. The image of his hurt expression is burned into her brain and it's one that she had resolved that she would never be the cause of again. Surely being truthful with him can't be worse than what she had done before. When she finally does speak, it's quiet, sounding like someone who's torn her heart up thinking about this. ]

I don't know what I want either. 

[ There's another pause, words tumbling over themselves in her mind. ] 

I just know that you mean so much to me. And that I can't bear the thought of not having you in my life which I know is selfish because I'm so jealous thinking about you and Claude together. [ Shame begins to creep across her face and its heat creeps across her chest. ] All I want is for the both of you to be happy because you deserve it more than me, more than anyone else I know, but I feel so sick to my stomach thinking about you both together. I don't know if I can even be with Claude without feeling like this.

And if I think about us together - [ She falters, eyes flitting away but hand clutching his tight. ] if I think about us together I feel guilty. [ Understanding how that sounds she winces, quickly amending herself. ] I feel scared about what could happen if I ruin it. If I ruin us. I almost ruined my relationship with Claude because of how awful I was.

[philancer]

You, sweetheart, [ he contradicts her with a gentle chide, tapping her chin with his fingertips, ] deserve happiness as much as anyone. Maybe even moreso.

So let’s take this one thing at a time, alright? I’m not intending to go anywhere. You - both of you together and individually - mean far too much to me for me to walk away now. That’s the last thing I want. We’re all in this together, right?

And no offense to Claude, but I’m pretty sure he’s at least halfway responsible for whatever misunderstanding happened between you. What happened between you was both of your contributions, and then your reluctance to come out and talk about it afterwards. I’m pretty sure neither of you are gonna be likely to make a mistake like that again.

Not to mention, [ he adds wryly after a moment, one corner of his lips quirking faintly, although there’s the faintest hint of a shadow in his gaze. ] I’m far more likely to ruin things than you, when it comes down to it. It’s sort of how my luck runs, you know? Not that I plan on doing that, but…

[ It still felt inevitable, anyway. ]

But if you think for a moment either of us could be happy when you’re sad or miserable, you haven’t been paying very close attention to how much you mean to us.

[theidlemaiden]

[ While his words make her flush, there's still something she can't shake. Just like with Claude, she can't help but be surprised that there's no reaction - or rather that there's acceptance - from Sylvain when she admits her jealousy. There's no concern, no worry, no chiding that she wears this ugly emotion like a cold, sharp jewel against her throat. ]

I wouldn't be sad or miserable. I'd be fine...eventually.

[ The protest is only a bridge to the rest of what she wants to say because his non-issue feels akin to him glossing over something she thinks can't so easily be ignored. Despite him saying they're in this together (whatever 'this' is), she can't fathom taking this one step at a time when she doesn't have the first clue where to step. Not when there's an imposing mountain ahead of her that she can't possibly hope to climb. Not when she spots that shadow flit across his face like a cloud passing in front of the sun.

She gently shakes off his hand from her chin, cupping his face gently so she can brush her thumbs over the bones of his cheek as if that will send the cloud away. ]

I think you have more luck than you give yourself credit for. [ There's quiet conviction in her voice. Like if he wills it, why wouldn't it happen? ] You just have to give it room to grow.

[ There's a heaviness in her heart that shouldn't be there after being told that she's wanted. That he won't leave. It's so similar to the feeling she'd felt when Claude told her he'd had feelings for her. She hadn't known what to make of it then. She doesn't know now. Is it her fear of expectation and the subsequent disappointment they'd feel? Her fear of trying? Or a fear of what could be?

Resignation creeps into her gaze and her voice like she still believes this false truth she'd convinced herself of only a couple months before. Even if she's actively trying to be present in her feelings, to believe and rewrite a new reality, a part of her can't shake the old narrative. ]

There are some days where I still think you'd be happier with him. You're both so alike sometimes that it's annoying. You look so good beside one another. You fit each other well even if you don't think that or see it. [ She swallows, catching herself on a sharp edge of jealousy and doubt. ] And he doesn't get jealous or if he does it's not destructively like me.

...I just don't understand why the both of you are okay with that. What if this doesn't work? What if I lose you both? I'm trying to be better because I don't think I deserve either of you right now.

[philancer]

Hilda. It’s not about deserving. It never is.

[ His voice turns quiet at that, and for a moment, his gaze goes distant, as he thinks of another conversation he’d had a long time ago, one that fills him with a pang of longing all over again. ]

Besides. What we think we deserve for ourselves would rarely match what others think we deserve for ourselves. For better or for worse, really. From where I stand, I think you and Claude deserve the chance to find your happiness, because it’s something you’ve both been chasing after for as long as I’ve known you. And as for what I think I deserve… I’m going to leave that unspoken because I think it would just make you mad at me again and I’d rather skip that part.

You say Claude and I are so much alike and maybe that’s true in some ways. But you and I are so much more alike in other ways, Hilda. I get it. We’re both afraid of failure, of people’s expectations of us, and not being able to meet them - and the fallout of that, for different reasons. But sometimes it affects our decisions so much that we end up standing there and going ‘well, why even try, then?’.

But the problem with that, sweetheart, is that then we gain nothing. And I think, by default, that means we’ve lost everything anyway.

Don’t assume Claude doesn’t get jealous, because I’m sure he does. He’s still human, Hilda. So am I, and I definitely get jealous. Emotions don’t listen to logic, they don’t follow rules, they just are. You can’t control them. Only what you do about them. Or maybe despite them.

[ He reaches out to brush a lock of hair back from her face, his fingertips lingering against her cheek. ]

I want you, Hilda. I don’t know what that means, or what it encompasses yet, because we haven’t had time to figure that out. It’s different than Claude, but that doesn’t mean it’s less. Just different.

[theidlemaiden]

[ The dichotomy of wanting to be noticed in only the ways she had designed while simultaneously not wanting to be distinguishable at all is a constant push and pull for her. It’s no secret that she’s scared of expectation and by extension disappointment people but when her fears are laid bare, dragged out into the light, there’s no sweet, lazy veneer for her to hide behind.

It doesn’t escape her that she’s put them both up on some pedestal. Some shiny pretty things encased in a glass that she can shine and admire from behind the case but never hope to wear for anything more than dress up. But that’s where she thought they rightly belonged to stay. She’s no heir to a house, no prodigal child, a coward with a staunch disbelief in herself. There’s plenty of reasons for affection to be showered on them.

And yet there Sylvain is saying the contrary. Instinctively she leans into his light touch and her eyes flutter closed.

Her heart aches exposed and raw in her chest, overladen with want and yearning. With want of changing Sylvain’s mind — about himself or her, she can’t say. With want of showing him that he deserved everything and then some. For want of a possible future, of a possible something, that she’s still too scared to name. Her thumbs continue to brush against his cheekbones as a quiet exhalation leaves her lips. ]

I think I want you too. But I just need time. I don't want to ruin this by blurring lines or rushing into something before I know where I stand. I learned what that does and I don't trust myself not to repeat it.

[ Conviction slips into her voice, eyes rising to settle on his. ]

I know what you think you might deserve but I think you deserve the world. And I don't want to give you anything less than that.

[philancer]

[ He gives her a small smile, because he knows arguing with her here and now is pointless. There’s too much she doesn’t know - will never know, if he had any say in the matter. He has far too many skeletons shoved deep in his closets to ever be comfortable shining a light in. But there’s likely something in his expression that hints that he doesn’t quite believe her.

He believes she believes it? That’s gotta count for something, right? ]

I don’t intend to rush you, sweet. I know you’re worried about what will happen if things get more complicated. Frankly, I am a little, too. But don’t you worry about how much you can give me, if anything at all. This… has already been more than I ever anticipated, whatever comes next.

[ The only words in that whole thing that hold the deepest conviction, because it’s true. He’d known he was on borrowed time with both of them from the very start.

His fingers brush against her cheek again before he leans in to press a kiss to her forehead. ]

Take your time in figuring out what you want. What you feel. Like I said, I’m not going anywhere. I just wanted you to know… I guess that I’m okay with however far you want to take this. Or not at all, if that ends up being your decision. I’ll respect it.

[theidlemaiden]

[ Her heart clenches at that small smile. She's had enough brushes with his ingrained belief that he deserves nothing and nothing good at that to know that this too might be something to contend with eventually.

But that feels like several steps ahead of where they are and she knows despite this discomfort, this aching desire to want to tell him everything she can't convey into words, that it's where they need to be right now. And at least, she ruefully thinks herself, they're here together.

Hilda leans into his kiss, slipping her hands down the slope of his neck before nestling at the nape of his neck. More sentiments of her disbelief in her ability to make him happy, in the longevity of his want spin on an endless loop in her head. Miraculously none of them make it past her lips. Instead she stills them by pressing her own kiss to his forehead and the tip of his nose. ]

No matter what I decide – you'll always mean so much to me, Sylvain. Thank you for caring for me.

[philancer]

[ That… didn’t sound promising. But his face carefully keeps any disappointment from showing as he slides a hand against her spine, knowing she meant well.

It still sounded, in its own way, like a goodbye. And maybe it was.

Better to start bracing for that now, then.

Still, he manages a warm smile for her as she pulls back from dropping a kiss to the end of his nose. ]

You’re easy to care for. [ he offers instead, tugging a lock of her hair playfully. He’d meant it when he said he’d respect whatever decision she made, and the last thing he wanted to do was make her feel guilty for it. ] Now. I suppose we should go rescue your hat before I get myself into more trouble, hmm?

[theidlemaiden]

There's probably people who would think otherwise.

[ Deflection is easy to reach for, particularly when she already feels so much like a burden.

So is falling back on old habits, on levity, on joking and smiles instead of focusing on the heaviness that still sits in her heart. He's given a roll of her eyes as she stands up off his lap and motions for him to crouch so she can climb onto his back. ]

You're already in trouble but you'll be in more if you throw it over the ledge.

[philancer]

I wouldn’t do that! [ …Probably. Maybe? ] Delores is just protecting it for you. And feeling pretty. I’d hate to deprive her.

[ But he obligingly boosts her up on his back to piggyback her across the terrace to retrieve her wayward hat. ]

You ready to go inside? I should probably get washed up before starting on dinner.

[theidlemaiden]

[ As she's lifted up, a hand drapes lazily over shoulder while the other goes to lightly hold her own hat in place on her head. ]

I wouldn't deprive her either but Delores can get her own hat.

[ Once the hat is back in her hands with no shenanigans or threat of it being thrown again, Hilda makes a show of contemplating having it rest on his head. Just as she's inches from doing so she settles it atop her other hat on her head and leans into him to give him a kiss on the cheek instead. Sylvain would be spared having to wear it again she supposed. At least he was spared today. ]

What were you going to make? Can I watch?

[philancer]

I hadn’t decided yet. Is they’re something you’re craving?

[ He casts a smile over his shoulder at her, boosting her a little higher on his back before abandoning the poor hatless Delores to head for the terrace doors. ]

Why don’t you look in the ice box and see if there’s anything that catches your fancy while I wash up, hmm?

[theidlemaiden]

I'll eat anything you make as long as we can go get a dessert after.

[ Once they're through the veranda doors she deposits her hats onto the hat stand by the door. Their new addition to the loft slumbers on a pillow near the window with the lizards nestled in the crook of the wyvern's tail. ]

Unless you're busy later and have plans. I guess I can go fend for myself for dessert with Veliki and Mali.

[ Even now she can't stop herself from playing the cautionary card. Not that her voice betrays any of that. ]

[philancer]

[ He grins as he gently lets her slide down his back to land on her feet once more before turning and tugging a log of her hair in affection once again. ]

Nope. No plans. Looks like I’m all yours for the evening. Flee while you can.

[ He casts her a playful wink before bending and brushing a kiss against the top of her head before turning to head back down the hall to where their bedrooms and bath are tucked away. He calls back over his shoulder as he goes. ]

Think about you want for dessert in the meantime, then. I’ll be right back.

[theidlemaiden]

Just don't complain if I make it too complicated!

[ As he retreats back towards his room she's left warm all over – from the kiss he had left at the top of her head down to her toes that are warmed by the patch of sunlight streaming through the windows to the lingering heat in her cheeks as a remnant from his words.

It's only once she hears the door click behind him that she lets out a breath. Her hands flutter to rest over her heart and she stares at the closed door taking in the way how quickly her heart races.

She lingers there a breath more, gripping the fabric of her dress lightly before pulling herself together to head towards the kitchen left alone again with her butterflies and her thoughts. ]