Inbox: Abraxas

[philancer]

INBOX text / action / horizon Roses are red, violets are blue,
and right now it seems I'm missing you.
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Continuation, NSFW maybe? eventually?? tagging just in case >.>

[philancer]

( Continuing from here )

[ The little coastal city is dark, an almost-full moon still fairly low in the sky, but bright enough to cast an easy illumination over everything as Sylvain leads Claude away from the restaurant. And away from the town itself, guiding him down the boardwalk that stretches out along the edge of the beach until he comes to one of the stone jetties that jut out over the water. The sound of the tide against the rocks is a soothing pattern as he carefully guides the both of them out to the end of the jetty, until all that stretches out before them is the sea and the moonlight on the water. ]

Here.

[ He offers his hand again with a slightly sheepish grin as he helps Claude sit down on the smooth rocks piled here, knowing his outfit and boots weren't exactly made for something like this. But the whim had struck, and he'd wanted to show Claude the place he'd found earlier because it had been peaceful and quiet. He wondered if it would remind Claude of home, and whether that was a good thing or not. But either way, they didn't have to stay long, if it wasn't something Claude ended up liking.

But in the meantime, it made for a pretty view and they still had half a bottle of wine to share. He sinks down on the rocks beside him, stretching his legs out in front of him as his shoulder bumps lightly against Claude's. ]

Sorry. I know it's a little random, but...

[godshattering]

[ This is not what he'd expected.

Sure, he'd rolled his eyes over being told he hadn't been paying attention on their way out of the restaurant - the eye roll also being valid on multiple levels in his mind - but. File this under another part of Sylvain he hadn't accounted for, perhaps seeing signs for it in the past which start to click into place as he's now led towards the jetty. It only takes Claude a second to piece everything together before he looks back to Sylvain in confirmation and in time to take the hand offered to him to get settled. ]

Maybe more than a little.

[ If it wasn't already clear he's teasing, the grin prominently on his face while he takes a seat on a particular rock to look out at what stretch of sea can be seen in the moonlight lightening the way before them might do it. A sight he's missed, he suddenly realizes, and not part of what he'd recreated in the Horizon while choosing to focus on other parts of home. ]

It works, though, considering this is as close as we can get to Derdriu any time soon and Cadens isn't exactly known for this view.

[ Speaking of that, kind of: he leans his head back to look up at the sky next and doesn't even notice the smile on his own face this time while surveying the stars above. ]

Not terrible at all.

[ That's approval. ]

[philancer]

[ Sylvain doesn’t heave an audible sigh of relief, but it’s a near thing. He hadn’t been sure how this part of his invitation would go over at all. But the sight of that smile on Claude’s lips is more than answer enough.

He curls one leg up and props an arm atop his knee, although he’s watching Claude instead of the water. ]

Glad you like it. [ There’s a grin in his own voice as he watches him a moment and then lets his gaze drift back to sea, wondering if he should ask the question that lingers on the tip of his tongue. ]

…Do you miss it?

[godshattering]

[ Aware though he is of Sylvain's gaze on him, Claude doesn't move his own from the stars above as he notes which ones he now remembers the name of from studying constellations and astronomy books to match them to a new set for this new place. Odd, he thinks, that now it takes him a second to concentrate to remember the ones over Derdriu, and even further concentration to remember how the night skies where he'd grown up looked.

Time is a strange thing, and maybe that's what's also on Sylvain's mind when he asks his question. Claude waits until he can tell the other's eyes are elsewhere before shifting his own to look over without lowering his head. There's a strong temptation to answer that question with another one of his own, and even as he considers it he still could. It wouldn't be difficult.

But that'd be yet another deflection, wouldn't it? Trying something different can't hurt. ]

There's parts of Derdriu I miss, yes. I think that it's what I chose in the Horizon when I didn't have my memories probably makes it pointless to lie and say otherwise.

[ Since he'd thought about it for a second all the same then decided to not do it, and now he looks back up at the sky once more. ]

These days, sometimes it feels farther away than it probably should. What about you, regretting your choice to be stuck in the desert?

[philancer]

I’m pretty sure the desert chose me, actually, not the other way around.

[ It’s a flippant reply, almost automatic as he keeps gazing out over the sea. But he’d expected Claude to shoot the question back at him, especially after he’d answered it honestly, so he sighs and fidgets with the edges of his jacket. ]

No. [ As far as answers go, it’s short and blunt and maybe not what Claude expects. Then again, he has no idea what Claude does and doesn’t know of his past at this point. Or if his past was even the same, where Claude is from. ] No, I don’t miss it at all.

[ There’s a few people he misses. Felix, even though he’d had him briefly. Mercy. Dedue. Dimitri’s… complicated. Ingrid’s either relieved he’s gone or furious about his irresponsibility, regardless of whether or not his sudden absence was voluntary. But the rest of it…

He hadn’t been all that startled to discover that homesickness had never set in, in his time here. He’d wondered if it would, back in the beginning. He felt a lot of things about his home and what his absence meant. But mostly it was just guilt. ]

[godshattering]

[ Sylvain's answer isn't entirely surprising, nor is the fact that he finds it so quickly when the question is volleyed back his way. A few moments go by where Claude contemplates that, still tracing over constellations with sight alone as he somewhat unintentionally lets that hang out there without a response in return.

There's a few things he could say to that including some platitudes which would be entirely meaningless. And there's much he doesn't know about Sylvain either which keeps him from prying into that answer, but there is part of it he can relate to. ]

When I left where I grew up, I felt the same way. I was so ready to leave that ever missing the only place I'd ever known seemed like an impossibility. But there were things that crept in over time when I least expected them, small as they were, and tallied up more than I thought they would.

[ Claude finally stops looking at the stars alone to look over at Sylvain even if the other man's still considering the sea, one corner of his mouth quirked upwards with a wry smile. All partial truths with calculated omissions, context deliberately waved away, something complex distilled into something simpler to offer. ]

That's not to say it'll happen here. And then again, maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing if it didn't.

[philancer]

[ He's never heard Claude say a word about where he'd spent his youngest years. He'd heard all the scandalized gossip, of course, when he'd just shown up in the Alliance, the Duke's new heir, and had always wondered about how that had come about. But it wasn't something Claude talked about, ever. And he knew all about pasts you'd rather leave buried and forgotten. He didn't know if it was the same, but he didn't feel right prodding into it, either.

So he'd waited for Claude to bring it up in his own time, if he wanted. And while this was close, he focused on the time period Claude's really addressing here, no matter how many more questions his statement had raised.

He pulls his gaze away from the sea to find Claude watching him, that faint hint of a smile playing about his lips. He searches his face, his expression thoughtful and curious. ]

Did it ever come to feel like home to you? House Riegan, the Alliance? The Deer?

[godshattering]

[ There's a risk in telling Sylvain this, much as it barely scratches the surface of any truth. Claude's distributed a number of cover stories himself over the years with each one meant to misdirect more than the last. A tapestry of lies, all repeated enough to seem true enough, and something he'd started to slowly unravel over the war. But not anything Sylvain would know - it's not even something Hilda knows though he once again pushes away that familiar ache that's lingered since that realization hit him. Telling Petra had lessened it in some ways, and he has to consider what Felix told him when he'd found him in the inn for what it might mean elsewhere. What a strange predicament it is to be in of trying to protect some other version of yourself.

Still. All of that aside there are some things difficult to answer, and when Sylvain asks his next questions Claude's smile turns deliberately enameled in place. ]

Kinda think Derdriu being in the Horizon answers that one too, don't you?

[ He could leave it there. It'd be easy enough. To start brushing it away Claude reaches over for the wine but once the bottle's in his hands he does nothing more than roll it between his hands, still thinking as he looks down at it. ]

It did in some ways that I wasn't expecting. Mostly thanks to the Deer and Teach more than anything else.

[philancer]

[ Sylvain’s lips quirk faintly as he watches Claude’s reaction. ]

I dunno. Maybe. Sometimes it’s hard to tell when what you show is real, or when it’s just what you want everyone to think is real. [ Which is a little hypocritical of him, he knows, but Claude’s always been such a master at it that it puts even his acting skills to shame. ] But yeah. The Professor was pretty good at that. I mean, I’m assuming yours had the same effect on those around them that mine did.

[ Honestly, he’s not sure if he would have made it through those years at the Academy without her and her willingness to listen. To understand. Sylvain’s pretty sure she understood all of them better than they’d understood themselves. He lets his gaze drift back out to see again, staring at where it became the horizon in the far distance. ]

The Monastery was always more of a home to me than anywhere else. But even back then, I knew that wasn’t going to last forever. I’ve already had a long time to miss it, even before they dragged me here. It makes it easier, in a way, I guess.

[ That’s not something he’s admitted to a lot of people. Like Claude, ‘home’ isn’t an easy topic for him. But considering he’d poked at it - and the way Claude’s smile had frozen had told him he’d probably jabbed something he hadn’t meant to - it was only fair he give an honest answer back. ]

[godshattering]

[ The question - he thinks it's a question even if it's not directly said as one - of what he shows to others gets a slight smirk while he keeps his gaze on the wine bottle, but that's the extent of his reaction. Nothing else is volunteered to that either, though at the mention of Teach that smirk softens into a fond smile. ]

To say the least. He was always good at getting others to open up to him even if he didn't always say much himself. Not at first, anyway. Teach opened up after a while himself though with all the chatterboxes in our house he didn't stand a chance to not, but that didn't stop him from spending a lot of time staring at us more than anything else.

[ Teach isn't really the focus here much as Claude does want to know more about the similarities and differences between the professors they know. That topic can wait for another time since he stops fiddling with the bottle to look up at Sylvain again. The other's expression doesn't offer him many clues beyond those statements he considers while pulling them apart and putting them back together again. There's more hidden in there, he's certain of it, even if he's been told to take things at face value.

After a bit he leans over to nudge Sylvain's shoulder with his own. ]

For what it's worth, you're not the only one who felt that way about the monastery being a home. Or a haven of sorts, which might be a better description and despite everything that happened there and after.

[philancer]

[ His lips curve faintly at that as he nudges Claude’s shoulder in return, pressed up against his side. The contact is comforting, even though the topic makes his stomach tighten into knots. He’s used to that, though, and ignores it like he normally does.

Reaching out, he steals the bottle back since Claude’s clearly not drinking it. Uncorking the top, he takes a long draw before offering it to Claude again with an arched eyebrow. ]

Yeah. I know it became that to a lot of people. Pity things couldn’t stay that way. [ He sighs, staring back up at the stars now as he leans back on his hands, braced behind his - and Claude’s - back. ] I do miss the people, though. Some of them. But here’s not so bad. When things aren’t, y’know, going all crazy and shit.

[godshattering]

You mean you don't miss Hubert dearly? I'm sure he'd be absolutely crushed.

[ Things have veered a bit, not in a way that Claude finds unpleasant even if he's skirted around some of it (most of it) and Sylvain's done the same. This feels like that again, and, well - Hubert and all his glowering is always been a convenient target for jokes. Or was, he thinks, and then he does take a drink of the wine after all over all they're pointedly not mentioning before passing it back.

With a short laugh for good measure to go along with a glance back over his shoulder, since: ]

Don't say that too loudly and give the supposed old gods any more ideas. If I end up suddenly spilling more secrets don't think I won't blame you for it immediately, Gautier.

[philancer]

[ Sylvain can't help but give him a smirk at that, even if the secrets Claude had spilled last time... hadn't been ones Sylvain wanted to hear. They'll just skim over that part for now, okay? Okay. ]

Maybe spilling more of your secrets would be good for you, Riegan. You should try it sometime.

[ Taking back the bottle of wine, he takes another sip. And perhaps keeps a hold of Claude's hand instead of letting him take that back, too. ]

[godshattering]

[ The usual instant retort is there, as it always is, about Sylvain will have to work harder than that to pry a secret, any secret free. But then Claude realizes - Sylvain's heard that plenty by now, hasn't he? And yet here he is, willing to suffer through being told to try again likely again even after hearing it so many times before and still asking. 'Asking' in the most abstract sense of what's admittedly a playful line, and yet he's still here and reaching for his hand.

Hm. It takes Claude a second to wipe away what he just knows has to be a dumb, too genuine smile before he looks up with a faux quizzical expression set into place. ]

And what secrets might those be, hm? Sounds like you have have a list of things you're waiting to check off there.

[ Maybe at any other time it'd be a dismissal if it was paired with wandering away like Claude might usually be tempted to do or if he changed the subject instead. But instead he just keeps his gaze trained on the other man, possibly expectantly, like he'd consider letting one slip now if asked.

Provided Sylvain chooses wisely. ]

[philancer]

[ It's not the dismissal or quipped diversion he's so used to Claude tossing his way when they talk about this, so it catches him off guard for a moment. He finishes swallowing it and looks over to search Claude's face and finds him watching him in turn. Waiting.

He freezes for a moment, because yes, he's likely collected a thousand questions by this point. Things Claude alludes to, or tries to hide, or just closes the door on entirely. Put unexpectedly on the spot, he doesn't even know where to start.

And considering how tonight's been, the last thing he wants to do is send the whole night careening sideways by prodding somewhere he shouldn't have. Which is why he lifts a hand to rub at the back of his neck, trying to figure out how to answer, before meeting Claude's gaze again, something hesitant and sheepish in his gaze, although the smile he offers him is warm and honest. ]

...I do. But is it a copout to say I don't want any you're not ready to give me? [ And he has no idea where those start and stop right now. ]

[godshattering]

It could be if you want it to be one. But it absolutely is if it's because you think I wouldn't just lie to you or change the subject if it was something like that.

[ Blunt, but just saying. It probably doesn't really need to be said since Sylvain knows that every bit as much having been on several receiving ends of just that. That there was some surprise from Sylvain about the offer is interesting - partially because Claude can only guess at what that means beyond some assumptions, and because there was that pause where it seemed to be under deep consideration rather than simply grabbing the first or any old question off that list. (Because now Claude knows there's definitely a list.)

When Sylvain rubs the back of his neck and sends him a look that is something else entirely, something honest even for the course of the night and sitting here together by themselves, that is - charming. Too charming, especially in the hands of someone skilled at being just that.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, so - ]

I'm not fragile, if that's what you're also asking me.

[philancer]

Trust me, that thought never even crossed my mind. [ In fact, he's chuckling at the very idea.

But he struggles to find the best way to describe it anyway. ]

It's more that... I know there are things you don't talk about, but I don't know where those lie among everything else. So rather than tripping blindly through a forest I'm not supposed to be trespassing in, as it were... I'd rather you guide the way where you've decided it's safe for me to be.

[ That's probably not the best metaphor, but it made sense in his head. ]

[godshattering]

[ If asked, Claude couldn't say what he was expecting in response. One or more of those questions lobbed out anyway, probably, or anything along those same lines. He'd opened the door for it and so there's nothing to do but wait for whatever it'll be with what'll be needed to counter it waiting at the ready.

But by the time Sylvain finishes talking, Claude feels seen. To his surprise - though he really shouldn't be surprised at all - it's not the awfully unnerving variety of that feeling usually paired with when someone pries a layer loose he's not ready to reveal. This is different. This is careful consideration of wanting to do the opposite in a way which certainly suggests Sylvain's thought this through in more than this very instant. Something thoughtful and not in a way he thinks is anything but the truth because it speaks to care. Or caring, something that's impossible to feel anything but affection over.

Whatever the expression is on his face given that even Claude doesn't entirely know at this point, he's certain it's entirely too honest when he didn't have a way to prepare for this. It's a masterful way around his defenses. But one thing he does know is that he's going to overthink it and everything else if he sits with the chance for that to happen too much longer.

And so, in the spirit of something else from Nocwich all those months ago and entirely too much fondness he doesn't have an outlet for, Claude lifts his free hand to place it on the side of the other man's face to turn it more towards his own. There's no hesitation, no second thought when he leans in to kiss Sylvain a second later. That's a better answer than anything else he has to give. ]

[philancer]

[ The moment drags out long enough after his answer that he's beginning to wonder if he's stumbled somewhere he shouldn't despite the care he'd taken choosing his words. He's not sure he knows what the expression on Claude's face means, but he thinks Claude's not all that sure either.

He's just about to open his mouth to say something else, to apologize, to take it back, to do anything to somehow fix whatever he'd fucked up when he feels Claude's fingers on his cheek. He has a moment to blink, and then there's warm lips on his own.

His breath hitches, an audible inhale around his surprise, but considering how long he's thought about this, imagined it, he's quick to recover, leaning into that kiss. Meeting Claude in the middle, lips parted as he tastes him. His own hand lifts, sliding around to cup at the nape of his neck, fingers warm on exposed skin. Tangling in dark hair. The quiet sound he makes is muffled into the kiss, soft want mixed with pleased satisfaction. ]

[godshattering]

[ The noise Sylvain makes cuts through everything else since he hadn't missed that flicker of something before he'd leaned in. Not with enough time to change his mind about what he was going to do after committing to not debating with himself, and if there was any question about anything, well. It's answered by the indelible fact that Sylvain is kissing him back.

Some of this might be easier if he, say, let go of Sylvain's hand. But rather than that he threads his fingers through the other man's to keep that contact on top of everything else, even while turning more in place to pull Sylvain a bit closer while deepening the kiss. There's the threat - a positive one - of getting swept away in everything since he can feel it starting between the other's hand on him, in his hair, simple as it is with the promise of more to come.

But. That would be too easy, wouldn't it? After a bit longer he breaks it but doesn't go far, what with pulling back just enough to grin against the other's lips with his thumb tracing over his cheek. ]

Might've been worth waiting several months for, [ is what he finally settles on murmuring, a rather severe understatement offset by pressing a kiss to the corner of Sylvain's mouth. ]

[philancer]

Might?

[ There's a playful note of indignation in that word as he nips at Claude's bottom lip in chiding for the insult. But there's warm laughter dancing in his dark eyes as his fingers stroke against the nape of the other man's neck, not pulling away. Reluctant to relinquish any of this closeness now that they've ventured this far. ]

Pretty sure this is the longest bout of flirtation I've ever participated in.

[ He almost said foreplay, because that also feels accurate here, but he's not jumping to assumptions just yet. Despite everything Claude had teased at dinner. Besides. He's pretty comfortable with finding out what pace they're both ready to move at together. Claude's already the exception to too many of the rules he's always lived by. ]

[godshattering]

Are you saying it should've been longer? Don't worry, we could can just pretend this didn't happen to take it back and draw it out some more.

[ Even if someone happened to be walking by just then with no further context, they wouldn't find Claude's teasing tone believable. Sylvain set himself up for that one even if there's no such thing as taking this back. Or there probably isn't, anyway, not without some concerted ignoring on both of their parts. It's not something Claude's planning on doing, but that doesn't mean he's not going to use it to tease all the same. ]

I wouldn't want to deprive you of truly setting a record after all.

[ One that'll have to only be in theory, further evidenced by shifting his hand to tuck longer strands of Sylvain's hair back behind his ear rather than pulling away even as for the umpteenth time tonight he puts on a faux thinking expression. ]

Another half a year might round it out nicely, wouldn't it?

[philancer]

Nope. Too late. You made the fatal mistake of admitting you liked me. You're not getting rid of me now. No take-backs.

Besides. You've pretty much broken every record I've had. [ It's confessed with a sheepish chuckle, but it's true enough. Sylvain never would have put so much effort into a mere flirtation back home. None of them had been worth weeks of pursuing, let alone months. ]

I have every faith that you will think up new and inventive ways of driving me mad, however, so it's not a complete loss on your part. [ His grin is cheeky as he lets his fingers smooth through Claude's dark hair, tugging lightly. But the echoing brush of Claude's fingers have his resistance crumbling again and he leans back in to steal another kiss. It's slow and deliberate, savoring the fact that this is real. That Claude hadn't pushed him away, or laughed, or just dismissed him entirely.

He could still kick himself for not pressing for more that day in Nocwich, but at the same time... it made this more special somehow. More important. This wasn't some potion-induced misadventure that Claude would come to regret when he sobered up again. It wasn't an impulsive indulgence that could turn into a wedge, or worse, a weapon.

...That doesn't mean he's not still resisting the urge to pinch himself, all the same. ]

[godshattering]

That just makes it sound like there's still records left there to break. Maybe I was wrong and you're really just telling me to redouble my efforts.

[ Or - that really sounds a bit more like what Sylvain says following that more than anything else Claude's cobbled together to wedge into that meaning all of the sake of teasing the other. That's easier, to spin a meaning into something else, than to think for longer than a second about how endearing that chuckle had been. Like it was supposed to underscore what sounded like a truth even if Claude has nothing to compare it to and no one to ask if that was really the case.

Maybe that doesn't matter; it's not like the past affects anything they do here in ways they can control. The past is the reason they're sitting here, all those tangled paths centered around one mercenary with a sword and a gift and all those paths fading away to differences. All of it had to lead somewhere, didn't it?

But the present is Sylvain's mouth on his again after he leans in once more, and it's the pleased noise that escapes Claude when that hand in his hair pulls ever so slightly. It might've been muffled by the lips on his without much of a chance to reverberate since he's a little too distracted by this. All of it. The outline of something new and something else he's still figuring out and deliberately not looking at any closer to just let it exist.

It's with that in mind that it's Claude who breaks the kiss again after a little while and this time to lean his forehead against Sylvain's, a decision reached. ]

Not that your decision to bring us out here wasn't a good one, [ tacit approval once more as he keeps his tone light to prevent himself from changing the second half of his sentence, ] but there's also a rather nice hotel room not far from here.

[philancer]

I think you’ve safely moved on from breaking old records to making ridiculous new ones.

[ The words are smiled against Claude’s lips as he lingers in the kiss, dragging it out, fingers brushing slightly against warm skin and dark hair.

But Claude doesn’t pull away, even when he breaks the kiss this time and Sylvain allows one eyebrow to arch in playful inquiry. ]

That’s true. A very comfy one, at that. Don’t tell me you’re getting sleepy already?

[ The question is asked innocently enough, but the mischief dancing in his eyes likely gives him away. ]